Open up your Heart.

I can remember my big sister putting this song on one day and telling me to sit and listen to the words. It touched me even then as a young girl tucked safely away in her bedroom. I didn’t know then that there would be a time when I’d encounter some of the issues raised in that song on a daily basis.

Well tonight I’ll pull you aside and ask you to sit down and listen to the words:

Tell me, how can I, how can I love Jesus
When I’ve never seen His face
Yeah, I see you dying
And I turn and walk away.

Look at Matthew 25.
Christ talks about separating all people into two groups.
Those who were there for Him when He was in need.
And those who turned their backs and did not help Him.

Both groups are confused. When did the see Him? When did they see the Son of Man?

And he replies:
‘I tell you the truth, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.’

Living for Christ means being there for other people. When they’re hungry. When they’re lonely. When they’re in a hard place. It means not only looking out for yourself.

Looking out for your neighbour. Your neighbour in the house next door, and the one who doesn’t have a house.

Didn’t He say ‘the least of these’… Sometimes I fell like those are the people we’re walking away from, with a rather quickened pace.

Instead of just walking away
Open up your heart and say:
I am here
You don’t have to worry
I can see your tears
I’ll be there in a hurry when you call
Friends will be there to catch you when you fall
Here’s my shoulder, you can lean on me.

Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. – Colossians 3:12-14

Here I Am.

Some of you will know that I have a somewhat ridiculous memory. I call it ridiculous in response to my friends always wondering how on earth I remember those little obsolete things that apparently, they don’t.

Well, I’m currently wondering if God gifted me with this filing cabinet type memory for moments like this, so that He can pull out a file when He chooses and bring me into flashback mode:

It was two weeks before I came to Urban Promise Toronto. I’d been here the summer before but I was now making a year long commitment.

I had yet to announce it to my church. (I know, it’s awful. I was incredibly shy back then, ok!?)

I felt complete peace that it was where God wanted me for the year. But I wasn’t excited. I had no passion for what I was about to do. I was about to embark on a missions year but my heart was not there. So, I started to pray. I asked God to put my heart in the right place.

It was Sunday morning. We sang what I thought to be an old Catholic song, in my Baptist church:

Here I am, Lord. Is it I, Lord?
I have heard you calling in the night.
I will go, Lord, if you lead me.
I will hold your people in my heart.

I thanked God for speaking to my heart and I asked if I could take a moment the next Sunday, the last Sunday before I left, to tell my church what I would be doing.

One day that week I went to Lakeside, that amazing park in my town, and I sat on a bench looking out on the lake and I told God my worries:

“God, I know I’m going. But I’m not excited. I don’t really care even. I feel awful, but my heart just isn’t there yet. I don’t even know why I’m going. I just know I am. I feel like it’s right. I want to be where you want me”

I went to my church and I told them I didn’t know what I was doing, but I was going to try and follow God’s calling and to hold His people in my heart.

I came back at the end of the summer overflowing with love for a group of children, and for the community they live in. I told my church with excitement that they should remember Camp Peace and Alexandra Park in their prayers.

At the end of my first year internship I stood in front of them once again. This time with stories of the amazing things God had been doing in my life and the lives of these kids that I love. People who hadn’t known me told me they were inspired, people who had told me how drastically I had changed. I wasn’t as timid as I had been a year before. (Our God does not give us a spirit of timidity you see…)

Now, well into my second year internship, Urban Promise will no longer be working in Alexandra Park. Camp Peace has closed. For the next three and a half months I will be serving at Camp Victory.

I wish that at this moment I could be sitting on a bench in Lakeside Park looking out at the lake. It might be cold, but at least it’s familiar. I have another outpouring for my Heavenly Father:

“God, I know I’m going. But I’m not excited. It hurts a little even. I’m sorry, but my heart just isn’t there yet. I want to be where you want me. So, I’ll go. You gave me a heart for Downtown Toronto. Now I need you to work that love of yours in me again. I can’t help but think that my heart just doesn’t have room for a new place and all new children. It’s up to you, once again, you’re going to have to lend me some of your love. I can’t do it on my own. But I will go where you lead me Lord. And again, I will hold your people in my heart.”

Closing a Chapter – Day 8/8

“The only way to learn strong faith is to endure great trials.”              – George Muller

Did you know that Alexandra Park was Urban Promise Toronto’s first site? AP is where it all began.

11 years ago.

A couple days ago I was looking through my supervisor’s old pictures. There were pictures of youth now, from I know back when they were so little that they went to kids program. Some of them had become streetleaders.

There were always those little kids who had big plans to become camp leaders  some day. I asked our streetleader MVP once if he had been one of them. He told me of course, he had always known he would be a Camp Peace counsellor.

Thinking of MVP’s little brother, well, I’m sure he thought one day he could be a Camp Peace counsellor just like big bro. It’s hard.

It’s hard hearing 14 year olds telling you that they were going to work at Camp Peace next year. Having 15 year olds who were about to apply to work for March Break camp. 4 year olds little brothers and sisters who were coming to Camp Peace next year. Heck, 3 year olds who were coming in two years.

It’s hard seeing that their carefully made goals and plans don’t get to work out how they had hoped.

But what is it I’ve told my kids over and over. I even said it last night with a mic. in my hand from the stage.

God has big plans for them. He has a spectacular plan, for each and every single one of them. He knows what He’s doing. Believe it or not, His plans are better than our own.

I try to believe it. It’s hard, I’m just so gosh darn good at making plans! Wow, but I guess if God’s are even better I should be pretty excited.

Right, so, the goodbye party:

We sat down and we prayed and we told God that we didn’t have the time to iron out the details. We didn’t have the time to make a foolproof plan. It was on Him. He had to be there. He was running it. He was making it happen. We just… Couldn’t do it.

Well, He did.
It was great.

It ran from 4 o’clock until 6.

We were debating when to start our presentation, thinking people might not really show up until about 4:45.

At 4 o’clock the masses started flooding in.

By 4:30 their were so many people I was blown away.

There were kids. Kids who come to camp. Kids who used to come to camp. Kids who graduated from camp. Youth from our youth program. Moms. Little siblings. Older siblings. Old leaders. Obviously current leaders, and any Urban Promise staff who could manage to get there.

There wasn’t too much planned. We had a five minute slideshow and Spencer Vader sang one of his songs. “Beautiful one turn that frown upside, the world stops spinning round and round when they see that smile, see that smile of yours.” I was so thankful that he played it for us. The message of that song is great, things will be tough sometimes, but these kids are precious children of God and they can make it through. I looked around the room and I could see that it really touched the moms.

Then each of us leaders got up on the stage… Not having actually planned anything to say and just shared for a moment what was on our hearts.

The rest of the time was spent talking and eating and of course the kids played some games. It was a beautiful night.

We love the community of Alexandra Park, of course we do. It pains us to leave it. All those people coming out on that cold day showed me something else. They love us too. They’re sad to see us go.

Urban Promise doesn’t just have programs. It develops friendships.

The program might be leaving. But the friendships, those are there to stay.

This chapter’s closing.
But God’s not finished writing each of our books.

And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.
- Philippians 1:6

Ever Looming – Day 7/8

Day seven of eight. Oh my goodness. And it’s over.

That leaves one day. The goodbye party.

Camp was hectic.

For activity time I had them make cards for whichever camp friends they chose. It was so rushed. I had two kids for most of activity time and then suddenly with five minutes left the rest flooded in from having completed either time outs or homework. So when they came in I told them they could make a quick card. They didn’t have enough time.

Happens a lot eh… Often we don’t have enough time.

At least that’s what it feels like.

This morning there was a deelimajigger for the two downtown supervisors. Both of whom I’ve worked with actually.

When we were sharing memories of downtown one staff member, Peter, commented on our Celebration earlier this year. Our kids were singing an amazing song, only three had come that night. I had sat in the crowd during practice watching as they sang so quietly you couldn’t even hear them. Finally I couldn’t stand it and asked Peter if I could go kneel in front of them, like I’d always done in practice. When I did the volume rose and their amazing little voices were heard.

He commented on how my presence made all the difference. Each of our presences in downtown has made a difference.

It was nice, but it hurt. I won’t be there anymore.

These last two weeks I’ve been trying my best to slowly back up. Step away from the stage so to say. So that they’ll be able to sing their loudest and best without me right there with them. I’ve told them to look inside… Not to themselves… But to the Holy Spirit who’s ever present in so many of them.

Pray Pray Pray for our goodbye party tomorrow!

PLEASE!

Oh. Hosanna, if you’re reading this: I hope I didn’t put it up too late! Get some sleep. I’m praying for you!

Day Six of Eight.

Hm.

Well.

Played Bingo today.

Talked to my girls about how they can learn about God without me around to teach them.

Helped a five year old learn to write her name without writing half of the letters backwards.

Today wasn’t a day of exciting revelations or exciting… any things really. It was however a very good day. I’m feeling pretty content in the midst of all this junk and we had a pretty fun day with our kids.

I must admit the end is kind of looming over everything. Tomorrow will be the last normal camp day. Friday is the Goodbye Party.

That’s Goodbye to Camp Peace.

How crazy is that?

I’m going to go work on a slideshow.

I don’t cry for sorrow, I cry with joy
The memories we’ve made can’t be destroyed
You know I won’t forget you
You know I never could
And when I said I loved you
You know I meant for good 

Audio Adrenaline – Goodbye

Come Find Peace in the Father – Day 5/8

Be strong in the Lord and,
Never give up hope,
You’re going to do great things,
I already know,
God’s got His hand on you so,
Don’t live life in fear,
Forgive and forget,
But don’t forget why you’re here,
Take your time and pray,
These are the words I would say,

From one simple life to another,
I will say,
Come find peace in the Father

- ‘The Words I Would Say’ by Sidewalk Prophets (or in this case… from my mother.)

I’m trying to figure out how to explain day five without typing for five hours and making you read for a full twenty minutes. Well, no one would actually finish reading if I tried that… Except maybe my mom or Hosanna…

Wow, I’m wasting time.

Let’s start with this morning… No no… Wait… We have to go back to last week.

Right. Well, in general I’ve been really confused. Everyone’s been reminding me that God doesn’t change – and boy did I ever need to hear it. I was shaken up. Suddenly it felt like God wasn’t providing… And if that was the case how was I going to get through life?

I don’t know about you, but I plan on moving forward under the provision of my Heavenly Father. Lord willing I will go to University for five years… And then to become a missionary. Not a money making business my friends.

So I prayed, one of those desperate lost kind of prayers. I told God that I needed reassurance. I knew that He was a God who provided for his children. So why did it feel like I’d asked for bread and gotten a stone? That’s not my God. So I told Him what I was needing, I needed Him to provide. I needed to see. The problem was… Well I have all that I need. So, I didn’t know what to ask for and I moved on.

One thing I thought about last week was how awesome it would be to get all our kids Bibles. They don’t need us… But they do need the Word. I have no money, and I’ve got a lot to do… So I moved on from that one too.

NOW to this morning. All the Alexandra Park interns were in a meeting to figure out what our next few weeks would look like and my partner had a question to ask of our leaders about ‘A lady in Germany…’ (that’s the point where he turned to me and said “Oh Rumour I haven’t told you yet…”) Then he continued to tell how a friend of his had decided the kids needed Bibles and she was willing to provide them.

Just like that.
All of a sudden.
Everything was ok.

He did it. He provided. Just like… He always does.
He’s the same yesterday, today and tomorrow.
I kept thinking that I’ve never seen Him provide… But I have. Just like that. Time and time again.

I really need to write these things down.
Wait, I just did. Score!

Ok. I’ll try to be quick about the camp day as I’ve already said quite a bit already.

On the way to camp I was walking with just MVP and his little brother for a bit. This little boy can be insanely mature: “Oh wow. Camp Peace is almost over. There’s gonna be a lot of tears on Friday!” He said out of the blue. We talked about it a bit more, it was terribly cute.

In WordUp I talked to my girls about God in their lives. I told them how their body is like a church that the Holy Spirit lives inside. I told them that they don’t need to be at Camp Peace and in that church to keep getting to know God better. I told them ways that I’ve gotten to know God throughout my life and I told them they should keep trying too. When we were done we exchanged stories we’ve heard about the tragedy in Haiti and we prayed for the children there.

For activity we painted peace ornaments. I bought them at Christmas but never found the time to use them, I’m glad that we did them now. It worked out a lot better.

Today was an all around good day.

Yesterday – Day 4/8

So,
Yesterday,

Joey, one of our awesome volunteers came by. She’s obviously busy and swamped down by exams, but she made time. Talking to her was encouraging. It reminded me that this whole situation has been eye opening in the way of seeing where  our priorities are.

I met up with our street leader MVP for pick-ups. We picked up five kids from their homes – including his little brother.

Remember the little cheering boy from day one? Well his bus was late so we were standing waiting with his big brother. We had a good conversation with him. At one point he said that his little brother is really sad, but he’s trying not to show it. “He talks in his sleep though.” I guess the other night he was caught saying, “I did all my homework at camp…” while fast asleep.

Soon the bus pulled up and that wonderful little boy stumbled out to join us for day four.

When we got to camp another volunteer was there. A man I know from church on Sundays. The kids didn’t know him well… He volunteered quite awhile ago. What a great moment when my flustered street leader stood there in awe of his old camp leader. “Oh my goodness. Don’t tell me. The names coming. Wolverine! Oh my goodness, it’s good to see you man.”

It was cool for Wolverine to see a young man he’d once lead, leading his own group of young ones.

Camp was chaotic.

I was tired.

I came home and slept.

I woke up this morning.

I called my mom.

And then I wrote this blog.

One week down, one more to go.

Here’s hoping it’s a good one.

<3

Wait for the LORD;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the LORD.

-Psalm 27:14

Peace in the Storm – Day 3/8

I lift up my eyes to the hills where does my help come from?

  My help comes from the LORD,

       the Maker of heaven and earth.

-Psalm 121:1-2

 

That has been my favourite verse since the first grade.

Today at camp we finished off our bead crosses we started awhile back. Diceyy and Gemini, two past leaders, stopped by to visit.

Diceyy asked me the kind of question I’ve missed since he left at the beginning of this term: "Can’t God do something?"

I told him that of course God can, only God can at this point. But that’s His choice. I told him that maybe God will choose to encourage young leaders like him to step up and continue to be an example to our kids.

I’ve been ok.

Surprisingly ok.

God’s been so close in all of this. He just keeps reminding me that He’s here and no matter what changes around me – He stays the same.

The one time I’ve had trouble was whenever someone would pray that we have peace. My mind works so much in metaphors that I couldn’t stand people wishing peace for me when soon I won’t have Peace.

This morning I was reminding of what I taught the kids about peace in the summer. Peace isn’t everything being still and quiet and perfect. Peace is something that we have in the midst of the storm, in the midst of the chaos. Peace is from the Spirit and so it does not depend on circumstance.

The world can take my camp, but they can’t take my peace. <3

Day Two of Eight.

Today camp felt a bit more… normal. It’s strange trying to slowly find the old normality when it will be over again soon anyways.

We were supposed to build domino contraptions but instead the children put clothes pins on their hands and pretended to be monsters and then we played marbles.

In my WordUp (or Bible study time) we’ve been talking about Jesus. I’m going to have to speed the lessons up it seems. So today we talked about some of his miracles.

I asked them what would probably happen if I asked God to let me fly and I jumped out the window. They told me that God would probably say no and I would probably fall.

I asked them what would happen if God wanted me to.

They told me I would fly.

I agreed.

I commented on how late it was getting and started to stand up. “WE FORGOT TO PRAY!” One of my girls yelled.

I sat back down, “I’m sorry. Should we all pray?”

“Yes.” She said, and so we did.

She told God that we are all sad that there will be no more Camp Peace and asked if we could have Camp Peace again some day.

I liked her request but just like I won’t jump out the window if God doesn’t say He’ll let me fly… I won’t try to make it happen unless He says so.

My heart is breaking

as I remember how it used to be:

I walked among the crowds of worshipers,

leading a great procession to the house of God,

singing for joy and giving thanks

amid the sound of a great celebration!

Why am I discouraged?

Why is my heart so sad?

I will put my hope in God!

I will praise him again—

my Savior and  my God!

Now I am deeply discouraged,

but I will remember you—

even from distant Mount Hermon, the source of the Jordan,

from the land of Mount Mizar.

I hear the tumult of the raging seas

as your waves and surging tides sweep over me.

But each day the Lord pours his unfailing love upon me,

and through each night I sing his songs,

praying to God who gives me life.

-Psalm 42: 4-8

Day One of Eight.

Today we told the children. They were rather solemn. There were questions like, “Is Camp Peace closing forever? Is there no summer camp? Forever?” It hit us hard to have to answer those.

One amazing little boy had a little cheering session. Poor guy, I saw through it. I somehow ended up helping him with his homework (wow… I just realized how many little things got me to that point).  Well we were there with no one listening in and I asked him, “Are you sad buddy?”

“No, I am happy.” he said.

“Oh really?”

“Yes, no more Camp Peace for the summer. I get a break.”

“Well, yeah, I like breaks sometimes too, I get tired.”

“Yeah… When do we register?

“Register for what?”

“When do we register for Camp Peace again?”

Oh God just bless that little boy and his gigantic heart.

They don`t get it yet. They don`t know what two weeks means.

I told all the parents, they all felt for ME. It was kind of beautiful, they’re all so beautiful. They know this hits us hard. They know we adore their kids.

I`m kind of lost.
No more Camp Peace?
No more summer camps?

Are… are you… sure?

Um, I think so. I think yeah… I`m… sure… yeah.

You’re the defender of the weak

You comfort those in need